The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her for her beauty.

And the Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her for her money.

And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

Salary Increase
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do phyical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

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Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

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Name Play
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."